Tuesday, 7 October 2014

(a) absurdism
(b) you parked where it said no
(c) all of the above

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Dear Scum -

My favourite part of being at work sometimes is opening the mail. It's like the most intense opposite of my birthday every day!

Friday, 7 February 2014

Case of the Februarys

This week at work:

-Someone walked up to my counter and threatened "TO SUE ME" (individually, me) "FOR HARRASSMENT". I reminded them that they were the first person to approach me, and then they said they'd take me to THE SUPREME COURT. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and earrings.

-A pregnant woman, who thought she was in Zeller's? called the complaints department (which doesn't exist), and left a voicemail asking for "Head Office" to call her back. I have the notion she doesn't vote.

-A man almost boastingly told me that he needs to park on the street to protect his friend from her ex-husband. He says (squints eyes) that he "has killed before". He said he used to work as the guy who "executes the driver" -- and that in all his life he "never missed a shot". I don't know why he told me this, but its safe to say I almost crapped my pants driving home after work.

"Thank you! Have a nice weekend! Park legally - for the love of god, park legally"

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Back in the Saddle Again....

A man with no teeth yelled and spat at me today that TODAY IS ELVIS'S BIRTHDAY (FOR CHRISTSAKES). This happened just before he taught me how to make a picture of Osama Bin Laden with a $5.00 bill. It's a pleasure to say I've returned to Parking because heck, I must have missed all of the valuable knowledge I gain here. 

Friday, 9 September 2011

Me: Good Morning, Parking.
Line: _________________[burp]___________________.
*hangs up*

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Beware of Loyyyyyers

Me (feeling chipper): Good Morning, Parking.
Girl (26 - oldest, & speaks very quickly, I mean.... on some kind of drug quickly): Hi. My license plate is ____, and I got a ticket last night for parking on the street “for longer than 4 hours” but there is no sign on the street, so can you please explain the by-law to me.
Me: Sure. Some by-laws, called ‘blanket by-laws’ or ‘extending bylaws,’ aren’t signed on every street, and that’s because the by-law is applicable to the municipality as a whole. We do have over 400 signs and we do send out yearly notices indicating the by-law but we are not obliged to sign everywhere.
Girl: Huh…well….how am I supposed to know about this by-law if I am visiting your municipality? This is just such a money grab.
Me: No, it’s intended because the residents do not want a vehicle to be parked on the street for too long. If you need to park overnight as a guest you can always call our office and register your vehicle to park overnight.
[ Slight pause ]
Girl: Ok, listen the fuck up. I am a LAWYER. A “LOYYYYY-ER”. Read me the exact by-law right now. RIGHT NOW.
Me: Um…..the bylaws are filed, I don’t have them here in front of me. If you come into our office you can have a look at them. Alternatively, they are all online.
Girl: Yeah, okay sure. I have this conversation RECORDED okay. So you better be AFRAID FOR YOUR JOB you little secretary.
*hangs up*

Friday, 19 August 2011

Godfather Part 2

Me: Good morning, Parking - how can I help you?
Italian Man: Hallo. So. I let it slide yesterday but no today. Not again. So. There are 3 trucks here now, one in the no parking, one in front of the meter. No, wait. The fire hydrant. So. This is bad and there needs to be a lesson so they have some respect on my street.
Me: Okay, and the address?
Italian Man:  [******says address******] Now. I know I call. You probably know me, huh? Yes. (small laugh) So, I call in to get them to have respect. I know they mess up, and we all mess up, I mess up. I’m not better. But, I live in Alberta for 24 years and then I didn't know respect until now. So, you know, I used to park on the street, I smoke cigarettes, I tried the drugs even, I did all the things these do. I had suspended license for 3 years and drove all over. Nobody taught me a lesson. So, now. So. I do that. I am saying that respect is respect is respect. Okay? Understand?

Me: Yes, definitely. Okay, so I’ll get someone out there right away.

Italian Man: Good then. Well done. Bye.
*hangs up*

Friday, 12 August 2011


Nancy: GMP, how can I help you?
Man, dressed in our municipal uniform: Hey. So I got this ticket (places warn out and faded ticket on the counter) the other week parking where I usually do my work for you guys. I wasn't driving my work vehicle, but I just parked in the same place out of habit. So anyway, I'm from the Road and Works department here and was hoping that there would be some kind of....I don't know..... internal leniency?  
Nancy: Sorry to disappoint, but even if you were doing work here for the municipality during working hours, we can't withdraw the ticket because you'd need a permit to work on the road. If you wanted to meet with a facilitator I can help you to book a meeting.
Man: Ahhhhhh, nawwwwh, that's okay. Truly, I already met with him and you know, was just seeing if you'd be any kinder or nicer about it.
Nancy: Ah, I'm sorry I wish I could help you. I know it's a pretty expensive fine.
Man: (Smiles and looks at me, almost beggingly. There is a long awkward pause).
Nancy: (smiling apologetically) Sorry.
Man: (perking up...) Oh no! That's okay! You're just doing your job, and hell, I parked in the wrong place..my fault.....so here you go...I'll pay on credit.
Nancy: Okay, so it's $75.00 (taking his credit card, swiping it and waiting for it to process)
Man: I guess I'll just have to withdraw this from my dwindling RRSP and then get the rest of it from a small savings account I made for my children's education. I guess they'll have to deal with the sacrifice same as me.
Nancy: (laughing) Ahhh yes, well, hopefully that's not the case.
Man: Oh, it is.
Man (taking out his wallet): Would you like to see a photo of them? They're very small and very cute.
Nancy: Ahhhh yes, I'm sure they are!
Man: Dimples and everything. Anyway....it's the children that are suffering...just remember that.
(smiling as he leaves).

It's people like this that make up for this job's hang ups and hang-up calls...The voicemails today, by the way were:

Friday 2:45am: "___________"

Friday 2:51am: "_____________________________________________"

Friday 2:53am: "_____________________"

Friday: 2:56am: "Shh!______________________________"

Friday 3:03am: "___________"

Friday 3:04am: "___________crackles____________"

Friday 3:04 am "___________________________"

Friday 3:05am: "________________________________________________________"

Friday 3:05am: "__________"

Friday 3:07am: (hissing laughter, and I think I could make out the word 'sucker')

Friday 3:08am: "___________________________"

Friday 3:09:am "__________________________________"

Friday 3:09am "_________________________________________________________ "

Friday 3:09am " _________________________________________________________"

Friday 3:10am: "________________"

Friday 3:11am: "____________________________________"

Friday 3:12am: "a last hiss goodbye"